Pete gets walked on for fun

After punishing myself physically for quite a few weeks, I decided it was finally time to take myself for a massage. I browsed through the bewildering array of massages on offer at the Spa, and chose to book myself in for a Thai back massage. How exciting…

I packed some dashing pants to wear, but they gave me some special pyjamas to wear for the session instead. A little on the large side, but they had a drawstring so it was okay. I left the changing rooms, with no idea where I'd find my masseuse. I found her, though. Without even looking, I found her. I could feel her presence. She was just sitting there peacefully, and her aura was reaching out to me.

So I met the little Thai girl: she was very sweet but she didn't speak much English. In true Oriental style, she called me "Mr Peter." I liked that. She took me down the stairs and into a peaceful little room.

- Have you done this before? She asks.

- No, this is my first time, I reply. I think I looked slightly embarrassed at this point, but she gave me a look to say: "It's okay, I'm used to this." She seemed slightly nervous and embarrassed too, which put me at ease.

She took my robe and asked me to lie down. I had absolutely no idea what to expect. Then it all started. She got to work on my heels and calves, exerting quite a bit of pressure, and I'm thinking "She's quite strong for such a little thing…" And then: "Hell, she must me kneeling on me or something, this is getting intense…"

Now, the only massage I'd ever received up until this point was from Louise the Warrior Princess, a big strong girl who really quite hurt me when she started rubbing my neck one evening. Louise told me that it was supposed to hurt. An unreliable source told me that, no, massages aren't supposed to hurt. Whatever, I'd come to the conclusion myself that some massages were designed to hurt, and others weren't. As this little Thai girl continued her work, I realised that I'd let myself in for a massage that was REALLY going to hurt…

There's a thin line between pleasure and pain, and my Thai friend was clearly a master of walking this line. She was no longer kneeling on me - she really was walking all over me, walking straight along that thin line. Unsure of whether to gasp in pain or moan in ecstasy, I just kept my mouth shut and tried to focus on something else. I could just hear Louise's voice in my head, telling me again: "It's supposed to hurt, Pete! But it feels good afterwards..." Yes, my body was in a room in Aphrodite Hills, but my being had been transported back in time, to a bar in Valladolid. The chakras were being opened, and I was travelling through time and space...

The chakras were being opened, and the energy was being released: before I knew it, my arms had turned completely numb. I had no idea what she was doing, but I sensed she was experiencing some difficulties. My back was clearly a mass of trapped energy and pent-up stress.

Are you okay? She asks. I detected concern in her voice.

- Yeah! I gasp.

And so it continued… Having my butt grabbed was wonderful, but having her dig her elbows into my back was pretty painful. I was eventually asked to sit up and cross my legs. That was when she started giving me Spock pinches to the neck. Was the procedure ever going to get any easier for us, or was everything she did going to be painful?!

The end finally came: she pulled out her finishing move… A full-nelson! There I am, trapped in a full-nelson, and this girl gets her knee up into my side and just twists me. All I can hear is Vince McMahon screaming "Oh my! How much more punishment can he take?! He's gotta tap sometime!", and I'm trying hard not to laugh. My back clicked, then she twisted me the other way.

- Would you like to lie down now? She asks. Finally, the treatment's over.

- Yep, I'll just have a little rest

- Okay, I'll go get you some water

And I just lay there for a while, thinking: "That was amazing, I want a little Thai girl to do that to me every day…" She returned with my water, and I took it humbly: I'd been completely at the mercy of this girl for 20 minutes, and I felt like I was a slave on a ship being granted a sip of water to prevent death by dehydration.

- The muscles in your back are very… She started, unable to remember the correct English word

- Tense? I say.

- Yeah, tense, you need to come for therapy more often...

I really do.