fast ramble

There's no point in trying to sleep right now, it's pointless. Look at the moon tonight: lunatic alert...

So I shouted "FUCK OFF!" down the phone and hung up. Talk about the wrong day to talk to me about the wrong things. But I couldn't get a grip - oh no, of course not - a session at the gym which should've left me begging for mercy had gone absolutely no way to towards taking my edge away, and it was clear I had more energy than was physically possible to use up, or mentally possible to tolerate. The last thing I needed was someone intentionally pressing the wrong buttons and seeing just how haywire they could send me.

I put on some extra layers to protect myself against the moon's chilling stare, grabbed my walkman, and went walkies.

The moon was just so bright, and there was no hiding from it. I can no longer remember exactly what I was thinking about, all I know is that there was a whirlwind of energy and emotion tearing up my mind, and the only thing that could support me was the music, which just drove me on. I soon found a song that managed to soothe me, and I then found the hill that would try to wear me out. But there's no way to wear me out when the moon shines like that - I start making my way up the hill and I just will for it to become steeper, it could become vertical but I'd probably still just steam right up it, oblivious to the laws of traction and gravity, lost in a heady mix of excitement and despair. There isn't a town big enough to challenge me when I need to walk off the mania: nowhere can beat me.

When you feel manic like this, the energy is without comparison. It just wants to break out of you - you want it to break out of you, you want to pull your skin off and let it all out, you can see that moon glowing, and you know that there's an equally bright glow inside of you, trying desperately to get out, you get the feeling that if you were to chop your hand off, an immensely bright light would shine out of the stump, perhaps bright enough to destroy anything it shone on; you get the urge to smash everything around you, but you can't, and you know that if you started you wouldn't be able to stop anyway, and you feel as if you've got enough energy to smash everything in the whole world, and then the world itself, just give me a hammer and the opportunity to do so and I'll do it, AND IT STILL WON'T BE ENOUGH TO CALM ME DOWN.

Eventually, you've walked so far and churned through so many thoughts that there's no option but to admit that you no longer know what you're doing, and you just have to start making your way home. Walk on the opposite side of the pavement in case you stumble across any of the thoughts you discarded on the outbound journey, try to find a tune that will help bring you back down, try desperately to control the mania before you get back to the confines of your home and you have to settle down.

It's futile: time will beat you. Time can tick on and on - it doesn't need to sleep. It will laugh at you as it watches you try to sleep. It will call you back from your bed, knowing that you'll need to check up on it to see just how desperate your situation is. While others sleep soundly, you'll be further tormented by horrible thoughts and fears, and you'll never tire of thinking of these ideas, because the moon's still watching you, and you're still full of manic energy. Thoughts fly past at an alarming rate, you try desperately to catch them but they're all fleeting, just teasing and tormenting your brain.

The only option left is to try and focus somehow and write things down, anchor the emotion to a blank page somehow... But the supernatural forces just laugh at your pitiful attempt to represent them.

And that's the story of my evening.